Do you ever have those days where everything is perfectly fine then all of a sudden you get this overwhelming feeling of sadness? Like out of fucking no where. Your day is practically over at this point. You can’t pull yourself out of it because it’s so fucking intense and you have no idea why. That’s been life lately.
My first real breakdown was last week while I was at lunch with my mom. Yes you best believe I was that hoe in the middle of the restaurant crying hysterically to her mom. All I kept thinking was ‘why am I so upset right now??’
The second breakdown was last night. I was talking with a friend on the phone and couldn’t hold myself together. I don’t know if he could tell I was crying, but he knew something was wrong because of how he handled the rest of our conversation. He told me he could tell I’ve been different lately and encouraged me to open up to more of my friends about things in my life that I’ve been struggling with. So I got off the phone and talked with my roommates, cue crocodile tears, yet again.
Now I joke a lot that I am a cry baby, because I legit am. Lmao. But I really don’t cry that much in front of other people. At least not about real shit. I actually hate talking about myself with others. Not really because I’m afraid to face it or anything just because I hate feeling dumb when someone doesn’t pick up on the fact that it’s been eating me alive for awhile. I hate when I reach out for help and no one takes my hand. I also just hate the attention. I don’t like people knowing the ins and outs of my life, there’s too much space for judgement.
Yesterday I kind of realized that a lot of people have my back. I’ve felt lost for a really long time now, I still do as I write this. My friends reminded me of the things that I’ve forgotten about myself. Have you ever been so lost that you don’t even know who you are anymore? I’ve literally forgotten some of the things that used to make me happy.
I hate change. I won’t leave bad situations because I’m afraid it won’t get any better. Which is fucking ridiculous by the way. I’ve gotten so used to living comfortably that I forgot what the adrenaline of the unknown feels like. If I’m being completely transparent, I’ve been living in fear for a long time. Not knowing the outcome of any situation terrifies me.
Now enough with feeling bad for myself. Yes, I’m struggling. Yes, I have shit to work out. I’m kind of at the point where I need to face it now. It’s terrifying and invigorating all at once. I guess what I’m trying to say is life is fucking hard by yourself. I need to reach out more to the people who love me. Asking for help doesn’t make me weak. Pushing myself to do scary shit is important to grow.